Fear

[12.29.20] Point Reyes, CA

Diving head first into the unknown
Straight into the abyss
It’s always been enticing to me
Yet simultaneously absolutely terrifying
But I think that’s kinda the point, right?

I remember the things I used to think about
Things I would associate with the word “fear”
Things like skydiving, rollercoaster drives, cliff jumping
But maybe it’s not about the crazy, adrenaline-pumping, heart-pounding thrills

Maybe it’s really about the little stuff
The seemingly small moments
Where we relinquish control a little bit
Confronting our demons
Telling someone how you feel
Opening our hearts to someone new
Falling or love,
Or simply learning to stay with ourselves
And sit right within that uncertainty
Learning to trust
And let go of all these things
Things we’ve been holding on to so tightly

Maybe it’s about
Reminding ourselves that we’re alive every once in a while
And being okay with the possibility of getting hurt
And when we do get hurt
Allowing ourselves to know our pain
Finding the strength to feel it and grow from it

How can we know its depths
How can we know its truth, its power
Without having the courage or curiosity to see it, face it, feel it

I’ve always felt a strange relationship
Between fear and happiness
When I reach happiness, overcome all the obstacles
As soon as I feel that state of bliss, content
All I can feel is absolute terror
And I know it’s just a defense mechanism
Keeping my feelings in check
Maybe lessening or preparing myself for the blow
When the bad things do inevitably happen
But does it really hurt any less?

All I know is that the more we run away
Distract, ignore, avoid
The moment we stop facing our fears
And hold ourselves back
Is the moment we stop living

Because its not about the fucking rollercoasters
Bungee jumping, mid-winter swims in the ocean
It’s about being honest with ourselves
Finding the courage to look within
To surrender to life’s uncertainty, unknown, to simply be with what is