Gifts from a Chronic Illness

From Exhaustion to Insight: Lessons Learned from Life in Slow Motion

The Beginning of it all…
It’s been eight years since my life changed.  I was twenty-three years old, I had graduated from college just a year prior and had taken a gap year to work as a teacher in Thailand. After seven amazing months of living as a teacher there, I decided to spend a couple months solo backpacking through Southeast Asia before returning to the States.  During that time, I got sick with a virus, which felt just like any other cold.  Except it wasn’t any other cold, because the cold symptoms went away, eventually – the stuffy nose, the cough, the sore throat, but my baseline level of health never did. Being the adventurous person I am and realizing I didn’t know when I’d get the chance to come back to Southeast Asia, I was determined to complete my mission and travel to all the places on my list anyway even if I wasn’t feeling 100%.  I wasn’t about to let a cold stop me and so I pushed myself to do more than I probably should have, I kept traveling whilst still feeling sick for over two weeks.  

Even when my typical cold symptoms were mostly gone, I started to notice that every time I would go out to do normal things – going on tours, walking around the town, I just didn’t feel like my normal self.  I found myself getting exhausted so quickly. Even while on the most insanely beautiful tours I found myself needing to come back to my hostel and rest.  I ultimately did end my trip earlier than planned and made it back to the states and back home to my parents house.

The fatigue was and continues to be the most major symptom I have had and looking back at how I was in 2017 vs. where I am today I have improved a lot in the amount of things I am capable of doing and the ways I am able to function. I had to accept it as my new normal.

However, early on it was a whole host of symptoms impacting my entire body.  I was having digestive symptoms, body aches and aches all over my body, constant headaches, and brain fog.  Early on I went through a period of intense insomnia that happened while I was still traveling and continued for weeks when I returned home which I can only describe as a sort of Hell.  For the first time in my life having insomnia, I can say that I deeply empathize with anyone who struggles long-term with this. The torture of being insanely fatigued and depleted in your entire body and mind yet not being able to sleep is something I wouldn’t wish upon anyone.  Luckily, eventually, the insomnia ended and I was able to sleep again.  In fact, I started sleeping ten, eleven, twelve hours a night, and still waking up tired, not feeling the slightest bit rested.  Not only that, I would get up and start trying to do things for the day but would find myself exhausted as I was just trying to complete my morning routine – having some oatmeal, having a shower and maybe trying to organize my room.  I remember just after about an hour or two of doing minor, ordinary daily tasks I felt like I needed to go back to bed.

After spending eight months on my own on the opposite side of the world, I now found myself feeling disoriented and foggy just trying to walk around the block of the neighborhood where I spent the past 23 years of my life.  I started to feel like going out places was overwhelming for my brain and body.  I especially remember finding certain simple things like going to the grocery store or going out to restaurants to eat to be overwhelming and overstimulating for me. I noticed if I pushed myself to just be my normal self and do the things I normally did, I would get headaches signaling I needed to go back home and rest.

The Search for a Diagnosis
Then came the doctor visits and referral after referral – which at first felt hopeful, but very quickly turned into disheartening and demoralizing.

Infectious disease, neurologist, ENT, rheumatologist, cardiologist, gastroenterologist, you name it – I probably got a referral.  My family was worried I got some exotic disease from Southeast Asia or some kind of parasite. I got all the bloodwork, all the tests.  I hated receiving the phone calls or the updates from each and every doctor, “Your lab results are healthy, looks like everything’s good”. Great, then why do I still feel like an 85-year-old lady at age 23 all of a sudden?

Every time the doctors would suggest something else, I got a little spark of hope only to be told they found nothing wrong, as if that was supposed to make me feel better.  Because it didn’t matter what the test results said, I was the one living inside my body and it definitely didn’t feel normal.

It started to feel so discouraging and so defeating every time. I started to dread seeing doctors and it felt exhausting having to tell all the details of my story over and over again just to keep being told there was no explanation, nothing to find. I was already exhausted enough.

Anger, Doubt, Grief, and Everything in Between
Through the countless visits and the lack of any plausible answers, it’s hard not to start to doubt yourself and question your own reality.  It felt like I had gotten every test imaginable and there was nothing to be found – I mean the doctors are supposed to the experts on all this – right?

I spent countless days and nights searching my symptoms online and trying to find some explanation for it all.  It became a sort of impulse or compulsion for me to try to solve it, and in a way, it temporarily eased my anxiety, but ultimately became an unhealthy pattern that prolonged it.

It was especially frustrating when people suggested it was just depression. I knew what depression fatigue felt like – this wasn’t it. I desperately wanted to return to my old energy levels, to do the things I’d always done. But of course, feeling so tired and limited in what I could do was inevitably depressing, so I did experience depression, but it came as a result of the chronic fatigue, not the cause.

I felt frustrated, irritated, exhausted, and disappointed. My already fatigued self didn’t have the energy to keep going through cycles of disappointment with doctors or people trying to solve my problem, so I mostly stopped talking about it and tried to stop focusing on it.

I often broke down in anger over not feeling “normal” and wishing I could wake up one day back to my old self. What hurt most wasn’t the illness itself but the lack of answers. At that time, I would have preferred a tough diagnosis to being told everything was fine.

Holding onto anger and frustration didn’t feel good and drained whatever energy I had left. To cope, I turned to art as an outlet; it was the only thing that truly helped me through those tougher moments. But I couldn’t stay stuck in my emotional pain forever – I didn’t want to spend my good moments crying and throwing things.

A Turning Point
Spoiler Alert: It didn’t get better, but I sort of did (pretty sure that’s a saying or something?). After spending a summer in bed alternating between naps and binge-watching way too many episodes of Grey’s Anatomy, and ultimately getting put on a medication that helped somewhat, I started to adjust to living with my new reality.  I accepted that I wasn’t going to get a diagnosis and decided it was better to not think about it and just live life however it was going to look now.

What helped me emotionally and mentally the most was acceptance – accepting my new reality rather than focusing on trying to resolve, fight, or change it.  I stopped the relentless Google searching and instead started to get in tune with myself and what I could and couldn’t do.  I had to learn to live with my new experience and still make the best of and enjoy my life; I couldn’t change it.  I was still alive, even if it was going to look a little different.

So, despite the frustration, the unanswered questions, the unsolvable problem, I decided to live life again.  So, the doctors say I seem healthy, there’s nothing more they can do to help me – what else is there to do? I can stay angry and bitter about it for the rest of my life and remain in bed depressed and miserable, or I can try to move forward with it.  Fighting it or pretending it isn’t there wasn’t going to work.

Finding My Voice Again
Eight years have gone by. Five years ago, I finally got a diagnosis of fibromyalgia, and just about three months ago, I got a diagnosis of CFS/ME (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) – both of which I had suspicions of since my early days of Google searching. The annoying thing is that both of these conditions are diagnosed after a process of eliminating basically everything else because there are no official clinical tests or biomarkers for them (considered a diagnosis of exclusion).

All this time, it’s still something I find hard to talk about or share with most people. I often feel that people don’t believe it’s real or that they simply won’t understand. I still hesitate and dread telling doctors because deep down I feel that they don’t fully believe it, because of the lack of tangible tests to “prove” it. Maybe it’s partly my own projections of not wanting to believe it’s real either, some little part of me still wanting something that feels more definitive – something that I can “cure” or “fix” entirely.

I never wanted to label myself because it felt like it would limit me from being the person I wanted or achieving my goals in life. So instead, I usually just kept those parts of my life to myself. Not talking about it helped maintain an image of normalcy. I learned to pace myself in ways that made me seem like I was functioning like everyone else, but people didn’t see all the things I did behind the scenes just to feel okay enough to do that.

Acceptance is what allowed me to be okay again.  I accepted that, though there was grief, I hadn’t lost everything.  I could still enjoy life. And I realize it is important to talk about and share my experience, and that doesn’t take anything away from me. So amongst all the hardships and the challenges of my chronic illness, I feel like it’s important to also reflect upon the gifts it has given me.

1. Forcing me to Slow Down
I learned to slow down because I had to. I learned how to enjoy life at a slower pace and accept that I wasn’t going to be able to accomplish all of the things all the time. As a traveler, maybe I couldn’t do as many tours in a day, maybe I would need to come back to the hotel after a few hours for a nap before going out again.  In order for me to enjoy a night out dancing, I would have to take two naps instead of one, sleep a little extra during that day, and have some extra caffeine. I slowed down, but I’ve learned how to still do things that I enjoy and that matter to me. But I can also embrace the little moments of life and how good they feel – folding laundry, watering plants, slow mornings with deep stretches, and healthy, tasty breakfasts.

I wanted to still work like a normal person my age and have a job, and I started working at a preschool. I realized that having a job that kept me active but also allowed me to rest when I needed to worked well for my body. I took naps in my car every day at work, and it worked out well that I could somewhat discreetly take mini moments to rest or nap during the preschooler’s nap time, too (although it was semi-acceptable). I came home from work and napped again before getting to bed every single night by 9pm.

I adjusted my life to where I was, no pushing or pulling. I found the things that made me feel happy and alive amidst the chronic fatigue.  I worked with it, not against it, because I didn’t want to spend my whole life fighting.

2. Attunement to my Body
Living with chronic fatigue syndrome, I’ve learned that pacing is the best thing I can do for myself. Once I realized I couldn’t pretend everything was normal without making my symptoms worse, I started creating routines that supported me. I became acutely aware of my body and its needs.  

Sleep was essential. When I first went back to work, I built my days around rest, usually taking naps during lunch and/or as soon as I got home, and bedtime by 8:30 so I could function the next day. For me, naps aren’t a luxury; they are survival. Evenings seemed to go by quickly as it felt like it soon became time for me to go back to bed, and I missed being able to stay up late like others my age, and having those late nights making art or binge-watching a good show.

Over time, I’ve become deeply in tune with my body — not just in my rest, but with what I eat, how I move, and how much social or mental activity I take on. One late night at a concert, going out dancing, or a night of interrupted sleep can take days to recover from, so I plan and prepare ahead, knowing I’ll need extra rest before and after.  These adjustments have become second nature, the things that others don’t see. I’ve become deeply aware of the intricacies of it all and how to go through my days in a way that keeps me balanced.

Eating well is a big part of how I stay balanced, and one that also feels very normalized for me. Fresh food, vegetables, and cooking at home keep me steady, while just a day of greasy foods immediately starts making my body and symptoms feel worse. I often forget that I may seem to eat more healthily than most people, but it has become normal for me, and I honestly love eating fruits and veggies and rarely crave greasy and fatty food. I haven’t ever had problems eating healthy meals, my main weakness has always been for sweets — which I do my best to limit.  I very rarely drink alcohol, and if I do, I can usually only handle one or two drinks at most, but it usually tends to just make me feel more sleepy, and unfortunately, I’m not a fun drunk anymore.  People sometimes praise me for being “good at self-care,” but to me, it really just feels like the way I stay functional. Missing a nap, overextending myself, or skipping medication shows up in my body quickly, so I’ve learned to notice and respond.

Hot showers, deep stretching, movement like walking/hiking, sunshine, eating tasty and healthily, coffee of course, and most importantly, periodic rest – those are the things that keep me going. Without these habits, I could easily find myself stuck in bed all day. Sometimes it makes me feel like an old lady, but giving myself permission to listen to my body’s needs has taught me how to care for myself. It has forced me to pay attention to my body in ways I might not have otherwise, and that awareness has become its own kind of strength.

3. Deeper Appreciation for the Little Things
Living with constant fatigue limits how much I can do each day, so I’m always planning how to conserve energy. Slowing down can feel frustrating and angering, or allow you to appreciate and find gratitude in life’s small moments. I’ve certainly felt both, but I choose to consciously make an effort toward the latter.

It’s not always easy, and it’s definitely a balance trying to live at a slower pace in our fast-paced and results-driven society, but when I give myself permission to do so, I find so much joy.  There’s so much beauty in simple things: slow mornings, sleeping in, meditating, doing yoga, or preparing food. I savor mindful practices — chopping vegetables, stretching deeply, listening to music — and approach tasks with intention rather than rushing. I can feel the healing power in yoga as my aches dissipate, and I can delight in the sounds and true gift of music.  Operating at a different pace than those around me has taught me how restorative and meaningful slowing down can be.

4. Self-Care = Survival: Prioritizing Health
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m really good at self-care. Not always — but my threshold looks different than most people’s. From the outside, it might seem like I have great routines and a healthy lifestyle, and I do. But it’s not optional. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t get out of bed, go to work, or socialize.

Mindfulness and meditation are essential. Living in the moment feels like a necessity to get through the day’s tasks. It’s all I can handle because it’s all I have energy for – what’s happening right now. Stretching or doing yoga helps release tension and brings me back to life. Hot showers wake me up. Eating healthy keeps my body steady, while junk food quickly leads to headaches, digestive upset, fatigue, and brain fog.

When I sleep only seven or eight hours a night (what some might consider plenty) or if I don’t sleep soundly, I wake up nauseous or with headaches. Everything is off. When I stay up til 11 instead of going to bed at 9 or 10, I feel it the next day. I spend time making up for it. When I sleep ten hours and take naps, I feel normal. So it’s not just healthy, it’s purposeful for survival.

5. Giving Less of a Sh*t
Being fatigued and having a limited amount of energy makes me really cherish the moments and times of energy and feeling good. It makes me care a little less about the small stuff; I don’t have the energy to be consumed by it. My time is valuable, so I can’t waste time overthinking and ruminating. Don’t get me wrong – I definitely still do it – but a lot less than I used to.  Allowing myself to slow down and slowing down in my mind has helped in that way. I’m not going to waste time being anxious about whether or not to ask someone that question, about whether I should reach out or not, about making things that I want happen. I’m more likely to just do it.

6. Wanting to Live Even Harder
Again, my energy is limited each and every day.  I wake up at 30% battery on a good day.  So I know that I only have so much energy to give to the world, and I only have so many things I can do to fill my time.

Instead of being angry at the world, I can transform that negative energy into beauty, and I can make the most of each day and the energy I do have.  I can still do the things that I want, but with the necessary alterations and preparations. It’s all a matter of considering what is worth using my energy for. I want to do all the fun things that I love.  I’ve always been an adventurer at heart – I mean I got sick while in Thailand after all. And I still am, I always will be, it just might need some adjustments.

7. Befriending My Fatigue
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve never been someone who felt particularly excited to sleep and even now often feel my inner night owl often wanting to push myself past my limits. It’s been a journey for me to learn to enjoy napping and sleeping more.

Now, I nap every day — sometimes more than once — and have had to learn to embrace it as a basic need for me. Growing up in a culture that places its highest values on constant productivity, it’s hard to fully let go of those feelings of discomfort, anxiety and guilt about simply just resting in the middle of the day.

When I tell people I sleep ten hours a night, they say something like “that must be nice”, and may mention getting four or five hours a night as a normal. Little do they know that I secretly envy that they can sleep so little and still go about their day like normal.

Allowing my fatigue to just exist as it is and just follow my body’s needs has made my life much more manageable. For me, my daily naps are just as necessary as having lunch during the day (though sometimes I have had to choose between a meal or a nap during the day and I’ll usually pick a nap).

Recently, one of my Buddhist teachers once told me to shift my relationship with and learn to befriend my fatigue, to focus on the good feelings that come from tiredness, such as at the end of a long day getting into bed. It was a good reminder of the power of my perspective and acceptance.  My fatigue and I – I can’t quite say we are friends, but we are no longer enemies – at least we are civil with each other most of the time.

~~~

Life doesn’t always go the way we expect or plan for, and it likes to throw us curveballs sometimes. But I am one of those people that feels like things that happen, good or bad, may not be quite “meant to be” but they are gifts in their own ways and we become stronger because of them. I have to appreciate everything that has happened to me and the way it has shaped my life and experiences because it all feels like part of my journey and process. The struggles are what have challenged me to grow, try new things, and keep moving forward. It’s never easy, but flowers always find a way to grow from the darkness.

Stagnancy or Stillness?

The Space Between Doing & Being–
Reflections From an Unemployed Girl & a Summer with an Empty Calendar

Time. We base so much of our lives around it, these numbers on the clock that tell us what we need to be doing and when. When we’re busy, there’s never “enough of it,” and then once we finally get that break we’ve been craving, suddenly there’s “too much time on our hands”.

I’ve always struggled with that balance. The space between staying busy and truly relaxing, between doing and simply being.

Even when I know what is best for my soul, there’s a part of me always pushing me and pulling me to do it differently, to do more, to fill the time. Sometimes we’re so conditioned to be productive that we feel guilty in the empty space, and it feels hard to give ourselves permission to rest. And sometimes we find that always doing something keeps us from truly facing and acknowledging and feeling all the things we need to feel. So maybe it becomes convenient for us to stay busy, stay distracted, be “on the go”. Do we really NEED to do ALL the things, ALL the time? And when we do who is it benefiting? We’re “accomplishing” things maybe – yes, but are we living, are we growing, are we being the people we want to be in the world?

I decided that this summer would be a healing. After wrapping up three intense years in a couseling graduate program, including a final year that included a heavy internship and the end of a long-term relationship, all while navigating the realities of chronic illness – I was done – physically, spiritually, emotionally.  I had pushed through and made it through still appearing semi-functional, but I knew if I didn’t take a break that I would break.

I felt like I lost myself more than just a little bit somewhere along the process.  I needed rest – for my sanity, for my mental and physical wellness, for the benefit of any future clients I would have, and for that of the people in my life.

There’s this relentless cultural pressure from every angle of our society that we can’t just exist in the space for a minute.  Even our vacations are often filled with itineraries and to-do lists.  We don’t know how to not do.

Our bodies may be breaking down, our minds foggy, our social energy depleted. We’re there but we’re not really there. We’re talking, responding, hearing, but are we really listening? Do our actions and our experiences have meaning or intention? We’re filling our schedules, replying to all the emails, checking all the boxes off the list, we are doing, but are we even there?

I gave myself the break and I allowed myself to live more simply again – being more frugal, eating at home, no more coffee splurges, allowed myself to rest and wake up without a plan for the first time in a while.

At first I found it to be uncomfortable.  The empty time made me feel lazy, unproductive. And it forced me to face all the painful and confusing feelings that my busy schedule had helped me to avoid.  The shift from a full schedule to an empty one brought up a lot of emotions and what sometimes felt like a little too much reflective thinking.  But just because it’s uncomfortable doesn’t mean it isn’t necessary and important.  I reminded myself that I can be with all of these messy, sad, scary, and difficult feelings. I can exist with all of that still be okay.

So this summer has become my reset. No job, no school, no vacation or social events planned – just a whole lot of time with myself.  I wake up each day to nothing on the schedule.

In that space, I’ve been reconnecting.  Re-attuning to my body, my mind, my emotions, my thoughts.  But also to my passions, my purpose, my meaning.  I’m rebuilding healthier habits, becoming more mindful of my eating habits and food choices. I’m allowing myself to just sleep when I need to sleep. I’ve had the space to see what was helping and what was hurting my well-being. I’ve been giving more attention to how and when I use my phone and social media.

Instead of being frustrated at time, I’ve allowed myself to once again be okay existing in it. I’ve remembered how to love my own presence, to value and appreciate my gifts and how I can use those to help others.

What at times we might call stagnancy, I like to reframe as stillness. Our culture seems to value movement, but so much of our life’s value happens in the quiet, the calm, the unnoticed.  It’s in that seemingly unseen space that growth often happens.  

This stillness doesn’t come easily for us. It requires practice, permission, and safety.

In the stillness, I’m being reminded of the beauty in the little things again. Waking up from a really good nap and appreciating the feeling of being rested and relishing in it. Feeling the deep shift in my muscles as I stretch and simultaneously recognizing the gift of my body.  Simply sitting or lying in the sunshine and feeling the warmth and light on my skin. Gentle animal snuggles. Laughter and silliness with my niece. Mindfully cooking, eating, savoring food and recognizing its nourishing power. Cherishing a friend’s presence, appreciating a compliment.  Recognizing the small signs of growth, the little wins.

The little things are the big things. And slowing down may just be the most productive thing we can do.  This rest period hasn’t been about doing nothing, but more so about doing things differently. With intention, with joy, with curiosity and openness.

I’ve gotten into routines that nourish me, and started doing meaningful hobbies that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time.  Daily meditation practice, exercise regime, and Spanish practice.  I challenged myself to try Muay Thai boxing and I’ve been regularly attending classes at a local gym. I am catching up on art projects, writing and channeling my energy into creating again. I’m taking time to call people and be more present for them.  I started a small project of preparing and handing out meals to unhoused members in my community, really setting an intention to pause and hear their stories.

These are the things that get lost in the hustle. These little things that spark our joy, curiosity, connection.  The things that challenge us in ways we never expected.  These are the things that matter.

Though I deeply value presence and mindfulness, I struggle with trying to do too much all at once and often end up overcommitting.  I compare myself to people who seem to do it all and still have energy for more. I am impressed how they manage to do the full-time job, the full-time school, all the side hustles, and seemingly still maintain their mental health and energy to socialize. I’ve always struggled with that grind mentality and seem to get depleted much quicker than those around me do.  Living with a chronic illness that’s main symptoms are relentless fatigue and brain fog has forced – or taught – me to slow down, but also how to be intentional. I’ve had to stop comparing and start learning that it’s okay for me to be exactly as I am.

It’s okay to stop, to rest, to not fill every minute of every day. And it’s okay if our rest looks different from that of someone else, or if we need more or less of it than they do. Just because it looks different from the next person, doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Learn to love your process, your timeline, your journey, even if it might feel like you’re falling behind or might look different from those around you. And don’t be too hard on yourself when it doesn’t go as you planned or hoped, and when what you thought you needed wasn’t what you needed after all.  

So here’s a litle reminder: it’s okay to take a break, to breathe, to enjoy the little things in life, to celebrate your accomplishments for a minute before jumping to the next thing. And it’s okay if you’re still figuring it all out, if the path doesn’t feel as straightforward for you as it might seem to everyone else.

One of my counseling professors used to share a simple yet powerful analogy to remind us and our future clients how to truly savor the therapeutic gains. He compares it to the process of getting ice cream: after all the effort we go to- deciding what flavor we want, going to the shop, and bringing it home, you need to eat the ice cream. In other words, allow yourself to feel the good that comes from your progress and your journey.

Relish in the warmth of a lazy day snuggling with your dog, the laughter with your friends, and the spark of inspiration from getting into a flow state of creating. But also allow yourself to sit in the depth of your grief and pain for what you lost and all the things that have changed. Allow yourself to feel again.

When I think of embracing the little things, I always think about my grandma, my kindred spirit, who I always felt exemplified what it meant to truly enjoy life and rest. My favorite memory of her is always of her peacefully napping in the sunshine on her back deck, always a gentle smile on her face.

So let’s remember that space is okay.  Despite whatever the busyness and chaos of the world around you or the voices in your head seem to be saying. Even if it feels strange or uncomfortable. Know that you can handle it, you can be with it, you can learn from it.

It’s not always about accomplishing. Stillness doesn’t mean stagnancy. In stillness, we allow for reflection, restoration, clarity, and presence.  And just maybe somewhere in all that stillness we end up finding the kind of movement we were seeking all along.

Fear

[12.29.20] Point Reyes, CA

Diving head first into the unknown
Straight into the abyss
It’s always been enticing to me
Yet simultaneously absolutely terrifying
But I think that’s kinda the point, right?

I remember the things I used to think about
Things I would associate with the word “fear”
Things like skydiving, rollercoaster drives, cliff jumping
But maybe it’s not about the crazy, adrenaline-pumping, heart-pounding thrills

Maybe it’s really about the little stuff
The seemingly small moments
Where we relinquish control a little bit
Confronting our demons
Telling someone how you feel
Opening our hearts to someone new
Falling or love,
Or simply learning to stay with ourselves
And sit right within that uncertainty
Learning to trust
And let go of all these things
Things we’ve been holding on to so tightly

Maybe it’s about
Reminding ourselves that we’re alive every once in a while
And being okay with the possibility of getting hurt
And when we do get hurt
Allowing ourselves to know our pain
Finding the strength to feel it and grow from it

How can we know its depths
How can we know its truth, its power
Without having the courage or curiosity to see it, face it, feel it

I’ve always felt a strange relationship
Between fear and happiness
When I reach happiness, overcome all the obstacles
As soon as I feel that state of bliss, content
All I can feel is absolute terror
And I know it’s just a defense mechanism
Keeping my feelings in check
Maybe lessening or preparing myself for the blow
When the bad things do inevitably happen
But does it really hurt any less?

All I know is that the more we run away
Distract, ignore, avoid
The moment we stop facing our fears
And hold ourselves back
Is the moment we stop living

Because its not about the fucking rollercoasters
Bungee jumping, mid-winter swims in the ocean
It’s about being honest with ourselves
Finding the courage to look within
To surrender to life’s uncertainty, unknown, to simply be with what is

Learning to Stay with my Anxiety

It’s been getting easier… to let myself feel fully, to let myself be happy without fear.  Sometimes I almost even forget it’s there.  There’s moments where I’m just fully here, without worry or doubt about what I’m supposed to be doing or how I’m doing it or whether what I’m doing is right.  Some days it’s just the small stuff and things are relatively okay.

When I’m feeling good, I start to forget about the power it has, the way it has of consuming everything else and its ability to fill me with such irrational thoughts.  Sometimes I even forget it’s there, but it always comes back to remind me.  It has this way of making itself known just as soon as things seem to be going well.  It seems to project this black cloud over everything, turning anything and everything – the positive, negative, and neutral circumstances – into something negative and usually much worse than it actually is. There is this overpowering sense of fear that it seems to project.  If there’s any possible opportunity it can get to transform my experiences or my ideas about myself into something negative, it is certain to take it.

The One Thing We Can’t Escape

I can clearly remember the moment I knew it had become too much.  My anxiety and depression had almost completely taken control and I didn’t know how to cope. I knew that I couldn’t maintain the way I was living and the way I was thinking.

It was some time after the end of my first long-term relationship, a relationship which had become unhealthy and had gotten quite messy.  Going through the pain of heartbreak and simultaneously discovering – or maybe finally facing – the fact that I had absolutely no idea who I was or who I wanted to be proved to be one of the hardest times in my life.  I felt like I had hit my breaking point.

There were a lot of painful moments, but most of all I remember how utterly alone I felt.  I remember the moment when all my usual vices or “remedies” for dealing with my anxiety seemed to stop working. This may have been the first time I truly identified and acknowledged just how powerful my anxiety was in shaping the way I perceived everything in my life. 

The worst part was realizing that nothing that I did could possibly make me feel better.  I knew that I was doing things that most people do to cope – finding means to distracting myself however I could – but even in the process of doing those things I knew it wasn’t enough and that it wasn’t sustainable.  I figured that this was what hitting rock bottom felt like.  All I wanted was to escape – from my mind, my thoughts, this uneasy feeling consuming every inch of my being.  Yet that seemed to be the only thing I could not do.  No matter how much I tried or what I tried to do, I knew that there was no way to escape myself.  Being in that headspace is a scary place to be. 

At some point I came to the realization that trying to escape from my mind was never going to work.  Maybe I could temporarily distract myself time and time again, but it was never going to be a long-term solution.  I had to come to terms with the fact that that this is who I am and this is the mind that I was going to live with for quite a long time.  I couldn’t simply disconnect from it.  Maybe instead of trying to escape from it, I could try to understand it and just be there with it.  Instead of running away from my fears, I could stay with them and get to the root of all these unpleasant feelings.

Comfortable Suffering or Uncertain Happiness?

Many of us associate anxiety with these overblown panic attacks and not being able to sleep at night.  For me, it’s always been much subtler than that.  It’s kind of this lingering feeling in the background that never fully goes away. 

It’s this constant ongoing force which for a long time was so deeply embedded into my life and my way of thinking that I didn’t even recognize what it was I was feeling and just how much it clouded my experience of life.

For some the idea of anxiety comes up when they are worried about something – an upcoming presentation or performance, a difficult confrontation, a dramatic life-changing moment.  Of course, these are normal things that we would expect to feel nervous or anxious about.  These are typical things that people feel uncomfortable doing so it’s only natural to feel a little anxious.

For me, the worst anxiety comes when there’s absolutely nothing wrong.  It’s the terrifying uncertainty of everything being okay, the ominous feeling that comes when everything starts to feel right. 

I remember describing to my first boyfriend that I was afraid of being happy.  That might have been the first time I realized that wasn’t a normal feeling, and that not everyone felt that way or could understand that mindset.  It might have been the first time I acknowledged that.

Maybe it’s the fact that it’s too easy to just exist in that feeling of happiness.  If nothing is wrong that means there’s still the potential for something to go wrong.  If I’m simply happy with how things are now, I won’t be as prepared for it when they inevitably fall apart again.

That’s why its always easy to hold on to things even when we know they aren’t what’s best for us.  Maybe we make changes in our lives or make resolutions for ourselves.  We might even stick with them for a little while.  Yet soon enough we slip right back into our bad habits – whether it’s eating too much junk food or drinking too much.  We continually make bad decisions for ourselves – going back to a toxic partner, continuing to work at a job we despise – because it’s what we know.  Deep down, we know these things are ultimately not going to make us feel too great.  We can’t possibly achieve happiness by doing things that are unhealthy for us.  Too many of us are afraid of that pure kind of happiness.  It just seems too simple.  We’ve gotten comfortable with a certain level of suffering – simply because it’s familiar.  Somehow that makes it seem more manageable to us and it gives us some false sense of control over our lives. 

In actuality, there’s only so much power we have.  Bad things are going to continue to happen and we can’t always predict them.  However, we do have the power to make choices that will benefit us in the long-term.  Most of the time, we know deep down what is and what is not good for us.  Trying to make the bad things become predictable or expected isn’t going to stop them from happening or hurting us, it’s only going to make us more miserable in the process.

The Power of Mindfulness

For me, facing my anxiety made me realize how much of my life I spent not being in the moment.  I realized how much of the time I spent caught up in the past and anticipating the future. 

If we’re anxious, we’re in a constant state of fear about things we can’t control.  It feels like being constantly on the edge of your seat waiting for something bad to happen.  It means we are holding on too tightly to some fixed ideas or thoughts about things that actually have no substance.  Doing this means we can’t fully enjoy or appreciate the moment or the beautiful things we have right around us.  It’s like this force that keeps taking away from our ability to fully experience our lives.  When you’re in that state of mind sometimes it feels impossible to get out.

After concluding that I was never going to be able to escape from my mind, I figured maybe I just needed to get to know it a little better.  Coming out of that dark place, I somehow found a light.  Having heard a lot about the benefits of meditation, I figured I’d try it.  It was time to start dealing with my emotions and figuring out who I was, so I started reading books on Buddhism and started practicing meditation regularly.  I started observing my habits and changing them to be healthier and more productive.  I wanted to feel more present in my life and be more mindful in my daily activities – so I started reading, exercising, and eating healthier.  Making that effort to understand my mind and just sit with some of the powerful emotions which were overwhelming me drastically changed everything.  Just being with those scary emotions made them lose their power.

One of the core concepts taught in Buddhism is impermanence.  When we think about impermanence, typically we first associate this with the fact that we are all born and will inevitably die.  Beyond this simple fact, impermanence can be applied in a much deeper context and associated with every aspect of our lives.  Particularly in approaching anxiety or fear of any sort, this concept of impermanence is very applicable. 

Anxiety basically stems from a need to have some control over things, because we hold on to things and ideas as solid and fixed.  We create a plan in our heads of how things are supposed to look, we fear that it might go differently, thus anxiety is born.  We are all terribly afraid of the unknown.  Change is a necessary part of our lives – a crucial component in the natural progression of all things.  Change is a means for growth and it’s not something we should fear.  As soon as we recognize this and understand its association with all the things that bring us anxiety, the power of our anxious thoughts start to diminish.

Realizing that there’s only so much that we can actually control helps us loosen our grip.  We become less attached to our fixed ideas and our possessions and start to become more open to the world.  It’s not an easy or simple process to change our entire way of thinking and adapt but it is one that is surely worth the challenge. 

An Ongoing Journey

Through incorporating mindfulness practices in my life, I started to become more present than I could ever remember.  Instead of running and hiding, I learned to face my fears and examine my own mental roadblocks.  Doing normal tasks started to feel drastically different and more meaningful simply because I was that much more present and aware.  Seeing that difference made it clear to me why so many people commended the benefits of meditation and mindfulness.  In the scarier times – the moments where I wanted to be anywhere but inside my head – I made the effort to sit with myself.  Being able to sit with all the uneasy feelings and just observe them made me feel empowered.  In the good times, I remember for the first time experiencing this pervasive feeling of contentment, fulfillment, even bliss.  It was a feeling that I felt like no one could take away from me – not even myself.  I knew that this practice was something that would continue to serve me.  It wasn’t a quick fix or a temporary distraction.  Through this practice, I was able to face anything – the positive moments and terrifying ones.  I didn’t feel quite so overwhelmed by little things and plagued by irrational fear.

Five years later, I’m meditating every day and make an effort to incorporate mindfulness practices in every aspect of my life. It’s not always easy. In fact, it’s usually still a challenge to keep showing up and sitting with yourself. In some ways, it gets easier but in many ways time makes it more of a challenge to maintain these practices.

I haven’t always had a consistent practice, but I’ve been more aware and conscious of my choices and how those choices affect me – not just in the present moment but in the long-term. I’m lucky enough to be living in an intentional community at a retreat center, where I have a good space to meditate and practice healthy lifestyle habits regularly. Although I still struggle with anxiety, I feel more in tune with my emotions and can recognize them much more easily when they come up. There were many stops along the road that led me here, many challenges and struggles during this process.  There were moments of joy, clarity, and love, but there were also a lot of moments of pain and confusion – as there continue to be. 

My anxiety still knows how to test me.  Even though I know better, even though I always recognize it as soon as it shows up, it still knows how to get into my head and irritate me to no end.  The difference is that my practice of mindfulness is always here too.  I’ve learned how to deal with difficult emotions when they come up, and I’m not quite so afraid of them.  I’m aware that they are not going to last.  I’m sure we all know from experience how quickly our feelings, our moods, and our thoughts about things or people can change.  The moment we realize this and really recognize it in ourselves our lives will change. 

I’m still moving through this journey and ongoing process of life, but here’s where I’m at right now. Simply allowing ourselves to come back to the present moment and sit with ourselves and all the confusing, restless, painful feelings that we’re experiencing can be a pretty powerful thing.

There’s only so long we can keep running away and distracting ourselves.
So let’s just stay. Right here. In the midst of all this confusion and uncertainty.

We can learn to be okay right here.

Reminders during a Crisis

It’s easy to get caught up in our ways and get comfortable with our daily routine.  Naturally we get used to having a schedule and so we start to expect things to run a certain way in our lives.  We get lost in the ideas and expectations we have for how our lives are supposed to go.  We’ve become so deeply rooted in our ways that we forget just what it feels like when we are forced to change them. 

Suddenly something completely unexpected and unprecedented happens, and we’re all caught off guard.  Slowly but surely something completely out of our control takes over our lives.  That sense of control seems to dissipate.  Our lives can’t move quite as smoothly, as effortlessly, as they have all this time.  We expected it would always be simple, it would always keep going this way, and now suddenly it isn’t.  There’s something bigger than ourselves, something out of our control, that’s now influenced all our lives.

All the things we had planned, all the things that we were looking forward to – our spring or summer plans have put on hold for an indefinite amount of time.  Our lives have been put on hold a bit.  There’s a lot of unpredictability and uncertainty hanging in the air right now, but at the end of the day, we are all in the same boat.  The only way we can get through this any quicker is by each playing our part and simply just waiting – just being – for a bit.
 
None of us quite know what to make of things right now.  Yet we’re doing our best to live our lives despite all the unusual and unexpected circumstances.  Despite all the negativity and fear that’s floating around, I’ve been thinking about all the ways that this pandemic can teach us and change our perspective. 

Being so accustomed to things the way they are we expect nothing could ever change them, at least not so drastically.  Right now we are being reminded of the circumstances that are completely out of our control and all the things that have an enormous power to change our lives in a short period of time.

1. Practice Gratitude

During this scary and uncertain time, we are reminded of all the things that we can be grateful for in our lives.  We can recognize all the simple luxuries that we have that we have been lucky enough to take for granted most of the time. 

Instead of being upset about having to stay home, we can recognize how lucky we are to have our own homes and to have our own spaces to keep us safe and comfortable during a crisis. 

Instead of being upset about not being able to go out, we can appreciate the simple beauty of staying in.  If we live alone, we can use this time to focus on ourselves and make time for all those hobbies and things we usually feel we are too busy to do.  We can use this time to re-evaluate our lives and make changes.  If we live with a significant other, friends, or family members, we can use this time to re-connect and appreciate having that time to be together. 

For those who are out of work or school or who can work from home, we can appreciate having the ability to isolate and distance to protect ourselves and others.  We can also practice gratitude and appreciate all those people out there working on the front line, putting their own health and safety at risk every day to help others. 

We can all be truly grateful that this is the first time we are experiencing something like this, that we have been lucky enough to live in a world relatively free of such major widespread disease for so long.  Through this, we recognize how precarious our human lives truly are and how unexpected our lives can be. 

We should take this time to feel gratitude for all the people we do have in our lives – our friends, family, roommates, coworkers, etc.  Despite having to distance from many of these people, we can appreciate that we still have the ability to connect with these people through technology anytime we want.  It’s a great opportunity for us to reconnect with people we may have lost touch with and recognize how important it is to have those connections.

2. Remember our Connection with Others

In a crisis like this – not just within our own country but throughout the world – we can really see just how interconnected and interdependent we all are.  We are all literally dependent on one another to help slow the spread of a major disease.  Right now, we can see how each and every person’s individual choices affect everyone else around them.  In this way, we’re realizing how important it is for all of us to be united.  Everyone in the world right now is fighting against the same cause.

It’s unfortunate it must be under such difficult circumstances, but we are all realizing how much we must depend on one another in order to help each other.   Despite all our differences – lifestyle choices, political differences, religious conflicts – we are all united by one common goal, and all we can do is play our part. 

3. Accept Challenges and Frustrations

We are all dealing with our own struggles during this time.  Some of us may have been affected more than others.  Though we all have different jobs, different lifestyles, different living situations, we are all affected by this crisis in one way or another. 

Many people are losing jobs and, with that, their financial security.  People are learning new ways to work, switching to remote work, and dealing with all the challenges that come along with that.  Kids of all ages are missing school or are now having classes online, being separated from their friends and thrown off from their regular schedules.  Their teachers are having to figure out how distance learning works and deal with the difficulties that may bring.  High school and university students are having to postpone their graduation and push back opportunities that they had planned.  Weddings, vacations, celebrations – all of those things are on hold indefinitely.

There’s a lot of uncertainty, and we are all putting our lives on hold a little bit.  It’s a scary time and so many of the things that we were expecting to happen and planning for are simply unknown right now.  There’s a point where we just have to do our best with the things we can control and surrender to the rest.  All we can do is work our hardest to benefit those around us, and not add to the challenges for ourselves or others. 

It’s okay to admit that it’s not easy to suddenly adapt to a new way of living or make changes to our lives.  It’s scary to not be sure of the future or when things will return to “normal”.  It’s hard being separated from the people in our lives.  It’s hard not knowing what the future holds.  We can recognize that and understand that, but we can also be grateful that we have so many measures in place to help us distance and live comfortably while preventing the spread of disease.

Many of us are struggling, we’re sacrificing things, we’re adapting to living without some of the luxuries which we have become accustomed to, and that isn’t easy.  It’s okay to feel how we are feeling about the things we are missing out on, the things we are postponing in our lives, the difficulties that have arisen for us.  Yet, we can let this remind us how unpredictable our lives are and to truly appreciate the resources that we’ve been given to deal with such a crisis.

4. Surrender to Life

At some point along the road, we need to surrender to life and all of its unexpected challenges.  We try so hard to maintain some sense of control over our lives.  We have our lives measured out to some exact formula.  We are so particular about every minute detail of our lives, and we’re so used to getting what we want exactly when we want it. 

A crisis like this just makes us realize how truly inconsequential all of those silly little things we worry about are.  It throws off all our plans and makes us realize there are things bigger than us out there.  There are so many forces outside of our control, and the way we choose to deal with those forces impacts the way we feel and the way we survive in an uncertain situation.

It’s not ideal for any of us, but these are the cards that we’ve been dealt right now so we have to accept it and make the best of our situation.  At some point, we just have to appreciate what he have, do our best, and surrender to life.

5. Take Time to Self-Reflect

It’s easy to get so caught up in our routines that we distract ourselves from our own emotional health.  A crisis like this can serve as a wake up call for a lot of us, allowing time to get back in touch and attune to our personal needs that we may have been neglecting.  When we’re stressed out and overworked, we can get into bad habits and forget to really take time to see where we are at not just physically, but emotionally. 

Having this time to really reconnect with ourselves and understand the things we need can be a blessing in disguise.  We can re-explore hobbies and passions which we may have forgotten about or neglected.  We have the time to really consider our life choices, and whether we are in a place that we truly want to be – whether we are truly happy with the person that we are.

All in all, a crisis reminds us that things are not always going to be perfect or easy.  It reminds us of the challenges that naturally continue to arise in life.  With all losses in life, there are also things to be gained.  There are always lessons to be learned along with any difficulties that we may encounter.  Right now we all have to do whatever we can to make the situation better.  For those of us who are still working, we can take as many precautions as possible and try and stay healthy.  For those of us who are lucky enough to be able to social distance in our everyday lives, we can be appreciative that we can keep ourselves and others safe.  We can keep doing our best to limit going out and use this time to look inward and focus our energy in other areas.

Most of all, let’s use this time to remind us of all that we do have and recognize all that we can learn from the uncertainty of our circumstances.

In the In-Between

Recently, on a flight to visit home, I started thinking about what it means to be a traveler.  Ever since my first travel experience about five years ago, my life has entirely changed direction – literally.  It became apparent to me just how routine traveling or at least going from place to place had become as part of my life.  The whole routine of flying had become so ordinary to me.  Not too long ago, flying was a huge deal.  Yet, now it was just another day. 

For many of us, the word travel evokes images of breathtaking views, exhilarating outdoor adventures, exciting places, and memorable moments.  When we think of travel, we think of the destination.  We see the snapshots of the most “perfect” moments. 

We tend to forget about all those other moments.  All of the in-between moments.  The not-so-perfect moments which make up all the time that got us to our destination.  The hours spent in layovers, the never-ending flights, the jet lag.  The messy hair, dirty clothes, heavy bags, and grumpy moods.  All that time spent in the process in uncomfortable places.  The early wake ups and the late nights.  The decisions about how to get from point A to point B, all considering safety, affordability, and convenience.  Choosing only the necessities and learning how to pack them strategically and maintain some sense of organization while living out of a backpack. These are the things that make up the life of a traveler. It’s not just about those picturesque moments.

As a traveler, I’ve been through my fair share of journeys.  I’ve become quite accustomed to airports, airlines, and the routine of flights.  I’ve learned which airlines to take, how to pack most strategically, and how to navigate through security as seamlessly as possible.  I’ve slept in airports and overnight trains.  I’ve taken buses, trains, vans, taxis, tuk-tuks, motorbikes, ferries, boats, and bicycles.

For me, travel isn’t about that final destination.  It’s not just about beautiful places and experiences.  A big part of it truly is that journey.  In the midst of all those in-between moments, we create our whole experience.  All those times in limbo – I mean those truly messy moments – that’s where we’re really understanding just what it means to be a traveler.

It’s not comfortable, it’s not simple, it’s not routine.  It’s all new to us. Everything is new so we have to figure it out.  No matter where it is we’re going there’s undoubtedly a journey involved. 

There’s no sort of magic machine that can move us from one place to the next in the exact moment we want.  If we want to get to that destination, we need to do something in order to get ourselves there.

Throughout that process of getting us where we need to go, there are a lot of average moments – even unpleasant and scary moments.  Moments where we need to really think and consider what the best choices are for ourselves.  And there’s also a lot of beautiful moments. The spontaneous simple beauty that happens along the journey is the most one-of-a-kind thing there is.

For me, that process – that journey – is really what makes the whole experience.  In that journey, we physically feel our movement. We really FEEL it. I think that’s what made me fall in love with travel in the first place.  That movement, that process of going from one place to the next, and figuring out all the steps in between – that’s pretty representative of life itself.

We can’t just look at our life in pictures.  Sometimes we want to, we want to look at the pictures and the movies and think that life is really that simple, that easy. We want to remember and keep those perfect untainted moments and memories. But that’s not real. Deep down, we know that it’s not real. We can’t possibly capture it all there.  We couldn’t possibly ever capture it all. 

A picture may be a thousand words, but it certainly isn’t everything. The good stuff isn’t everything.  All that confusion and contemplation and chaos – every moment of uncertainty and fear – that’s all part of the process.  Even those truly dark moments where we come close to losing hope, we need that. It’s what’s getting us there. That good stuff couldn’t possibly exist without all of that chaos along the way.

Sometimes it’s challenging or confusing or downright unpleasant.  Sometimes we’re just really lost, and sometimes things seem to fit together just right.  Somewhere along that path of confusion and disorder, we may just find a little bit of perfect imperfection.

Undoubtedly, we’re going to keep getting a little lost and bewildered along the way. The path we take on our journey is never going to be direct or exact or certain.  There’s always going to be risks involved. To simply be alive is a risk.  There’s going to be bumpy roads and long waits. Maybe we’re never going to truly get to that final destination. The most important thing we can do is keep moving and enjoy the ride.

Roadblocks and Reminders

It seems that the moment we find ourselves in the place we think we want to be, something gets in our way.  No matter how good things seem, no matter how straight the road seems to be going, there’s always more roadblocks and things coming along our path to “mess it up”. 

The truth is that we’re always going to be facing obstacles.  Whether they are with work, relationships, or personal goals, obstacles are going to keep coming along our path.  I’ve realized that it’s not such a bad thing and that obstacles are not just a part of our lives, but they are, in fact, what MAKES our lives.  If everything is completely straightforward, if there are no questions, something is wrong.  That means that we’re not challenging ourselves and we’re not making the important decisions. 

Just when we think we’ve figured everything out, we realize we haven’t figured it out at all.  We start to shift our perspective and see just how little we actually know.  The moment we get somewhere we realize how far away we really are from where we need to go. 

If we’re not facing any struggles in our lives that means we’re probably not moving much.  If everything comes easily for us we’re not really growing and we’re not pushing ourselves to new places. 

The most important, valuable, and meaningful things in our lives are the things that we’ve worked the hardest to attain.  The best things in life don’t come easily, so if we’re struggling to find the answer or if something doesn’t come quickly for us, that just means we have more work to do.   

If we’re working towards something and it just isn’t happening for us, that’s telling us one of two things.  Sometimes it could be telling us that maybe we are on the entirely wrong path or that what we’re doing isn’t right for us.  However, most of the time, if our heart is truly in it, these obstacles remind us that we are doing something that matters.

Just as we find ourselves in that place of uncertainty, of discouragement, of questioning, we can take a step back and recognize that we are in the process of growth.  The fact that we are still here and that we are recognizing this tells us that we are on the verge of something important. 

It means that we have more to figure out.  It means that whatever it is we are searching for or working for is worthwhile.  It may seem like these roadblocks keep getting in our way, but they help us remember that we are still moving.  With each new roadblock, we learn new ways to navigate and reroute if necessary.  Even if we get a little lost on the way, we always keep going.   

I’ve been facing a lot of challenges lately.  The answers haven’t been coming to me easily.  Life keeps presenting me with more questions and uncertainties.  Sometimes I just want a sign or something to tell me that I’m headed in the right direction or that I’m making the right choices.  Sometimes I just wish things would fall into place and that things would work themselves out but life never works that way.  Life is full of questions and we can keep looking to the universe for answers, but at the end of the day, we have to keep doing the hard work.

It’s easy to give up or change our minds when things start to get rocky.  It’s easy to run away or try a new path.  What’s difficult is staying still when it stops being so straightforward and clear.  The biggest challenge is having faith in our path even when it gets hard and seeing that the obstacles we face are part of our journey.

Obstacles are part of life.  Any form of growth comes with struggle.  So if you are working hard and things keep getting in your way, that’s not such a bad thing.  That means you’re living and you’re growing.  If everything came easily to us all the time, we wouldn’t get anywhere.  We couldn’t possibly accomplish anything.  I’ve been reminded lately of what it feels like to challenge myself and work towards something new.

Whether it be related to our own personal or spiritual growth, our relationships, our careers or our passions, obstacles are what remind us that we’re progressing and evolving.  No matter how tough it may get or how discouraged we may feel along the way, we keep going. 

Nobody Gives A Shit

We’re always thinking about what everyone else is thinking. We’re constantly comparing and criticizing and finding ways to bring ourselves down.

I know I’ve spent way too much time in my life feeling inadequate, unworthy, or simply not good enough.  I’ve spent way too much time obsessing over my imperfections and comparing myself to others.  I’ve spent too much time overthinking every little thing.

I’ve come to realize how ridiculous it is.  Yet, again and again I find myself getting stuck in those same patterns of putting myself down or being afraid.  It’s ridiculous when we really think about the amount of time we waste and the opportunities we miss simply due to feelings of inferiority, self-criticism, and comparison.

When it comes down to it, we’re all doing the same thing.  We’re all caring so much about others that we fail to recognize how much we’re losing in the process. We forget the whole point and waste opportunities.

And at the end of the day, nobody really gives a shit.  If we really think about all the time we spend obsessing over those little details, holding on to feelings or ideas we’ve created in our heads, none of it really matters.  It’s just a story we’re replaying in our heads and something that we’ve turned into “reality”.  When we realize that no one really cares all that much, we can see no one is judging us nearly as harshly as we are judging ourselves. 

We’re either judging others or we’re judging ourselves.  Either way it’s all based on our own insecurity or our own feelings of inadequacy.  It’s all based on this obsession we have with ourselves. 

When we step back, we start to see just how much we’re focusing on ourselves and focusing on the ideas that WE created about what others think.  In that moment, we can recognize how little any of it matters.  Focusing on ourselves and caring so much about what people think only blocks us off from seeing and learning from those around us. We forget to look around and see the world around us.

Our perspective changes everything, because really that’s all we have.  All we have is the way we think and the projections we’ve created in our minds.  That is our reality.  If we project negativity and judgment, we’re going to get negativity and judgment.  If we project positivity and openness, we’re going to receive positivity and openness.

I guarantee nobody cares nearly as much as you think they do about whatever you’re afraid of showing them.  And even if they do care, it really doesn’t matter.

So let’s do whatever it is that feels right for us.  Let’s stop being afraid of trying things or doing the things we want even if they are different.  Let’s stop being afraid of others judgments.  Let’s stop putting ourselves down before we even start.  The second we start to look at the world differently, we start to see that no one is judging us quite as harshly as we are. No one is as critical or harsh on us as we are. We see that people don’t care nearly as much as we think. All those insecurities and fears start to diminish. The world starts to open up to us. We start seeing things and experiencing things that we never had a chance to before.

Blissful Loneliness

[10.29.19] Santa Cruz, CA

Suddenly I felt this tangible sense of loneliness.  Only I kind of like that kind of loneliness.  There’s a little bit of sadness in it but it’s so real.  

I looked at the sky and the ocean waves breaking beneath a slight pink light behind an empty boardwalk and I felt so deeply alive. That crash. The birds flying over me. The pink light reflected upon the sea.

I feel everything. It hurts sometimes but it’s who I am. It’s so real.  It’s everything for me.  

I’ve gotten used to being on my own, traveling on my own… and most of the time I actually enjoy it. But there’s moments of loneliness, of wishing I had someone to share it all with… As I walked along the nearly desolate beach as it slowly faded into darkness, I felt that. For the first time since leaving home, I felt truly alone.

There are always those moments of wanting to express something so much but at the same time knowing that no one can ever truly understand it.  At least not in the way you do.  Right there I felt it all. Everything and nothing. And I wanted to cry and smile at the same time.

I’ll never stop putting my feet in the ocean.  I’ll never stop smiling shyly when I’m happy.  And I’ll never stop getting excited about the silly little things.  But I’ll also never stop getting sad.  I’m going to feel that too.  The melancholy of what we’ve left behind and the quiet terrifying uncertainty of the unknown. The depths of the darkness and the most blissful kind of loneliness… the kind that can’t quite be expressed. The kind that makes us desperately aware that we are in fact alive.

It’s Okay to Let Ourselves Be Happy

Is anyone really happy? What does genuine happiness even look like? It gets hard to tell in a world full of standards and ideals, full of people constantly trying to one-up one another or get the next best thing.
One of the most seemingly simple yet surprisingly challenging realizations that I’ve made recently is that it’s okay to let myself be happy. You might think that’s a given. Of course, it’s what we all want – we all want to be happy, we all want to feel good. That’s the end goal, right?

We’re always chasing this idea of happiness, yet we’re never actually happy. We’re constantly searching for it, but what we do when we find it? We don’t know how to deal with it because there’s this idea implanted in our heads that there always has to be something more. It feels so hard to just stop and settle and enjoy the moment sometimes.

Being Vulnerable to Life

For me, there’s always been this part of me that’s afraid, afraid of things being too good. I’m afraid of things being too right, because that means there’s a chance of something messing it all up. That means there’s a million opportunities for things to go wrong. It’s unpredictable. When things are difficult, we assume they can’t get much worse, but when things are going right, we start to lose our sense of control over that situation. When things are good, we know there is something to lose, and that leaves us feeling exposed.

That’s why all the best things in life seem to also be the hardest. All of the things that bring us the most joy also bring us the most pain. It’s like falling in love – the most amazing yet absolutely terrifying thing in the world. We’re letting go of our fear, we’re opening ourselves up to another person completely and sharing ourselves in every way. In this moment, we knowingly become vulnerable to the potential for pain but we accept it because the happiness this brings us overpowers that. The potential of getting hurt is better than not having the chance for happiness at all.

When we learn to let go of that weight, that fear, that pain, that continues to hold us back, we open ourselves up to possibility. We let our guard down, allow ourselves to get comfortable, surrender to the moment and the endless opportunities available to us.

Before we can do that, we need to accept where we are. We need to start to feel comfortable in being exactly who we are, and we need to learn to love that person. In order to let ourselves be happy, we have to realize that we deserve to be happy.

Stop Reaching, Stop Searching…

It’s not always the easiest thing. We continually beat ourselves up, and we find ways to criticize ourselves. So many of us don’t know what it feels like to really love ourselves because we’ve gotten stuck in our patterns of self-criticism for so long. I know for me it’s a continual process. I have to remind myself a lot.

There’s this sense of pressure in society, to fit into a mold, to be a certain way. We’ve been ingrained with these ideas that material things will bring us happiness. We’ve been taught that having money, a house, a fancy car, a “good” job – these things will bring us happiness. Then why are so many of us unhappy? These ideals society is setting for us don’t seem to be working. We’re always wanting more.

We’ve been taught that we’re supposed to do things a certain way because that’s how life works.
We constantly get asked what we do, where we went to school, whether we’re married. But does anyone ask us who we are, or whether we’re happy? It’s not a competition, and happiness never comes from trying to prove ourselves better than someone else or reaching for something more.

We’ll never truly be able to find happiness if we don’t love the person we are. We need to learn how to not only love ourselves, but how to take care of ourselves. We need to understand the things that we need, and recognize that they may be entirely different from what those around us need. We need to allow ourselves to open our hearts, to be vulnerable, to show the world who we are, without fear. We need to learn how to fully be in that moment, wherever it may be, despite the fear or uncertainty it may bring.

Embracing Exactly Where You Are

Whatever we are doing right now, wherever we are in our lives, we need to own it. Struggles, difficulties, roadblocks – they are going to keep occurring again and again. Things are going to keep happening, things are going to keep trying to mess with our success. Life is going to keep presenting us with challenges. We need to be resilient. We need to continue making that conscious effort to be the person we need to be in spite of all the challenges.

We need to stop looking elsewhere. We need to stop looking for something more, something different, something better. We’re never going to find it if we don’t first look within ourselves and find the root cause.

If we can really do that, if we can accept the person we are and love that person and the choices we are making in our lives right now, if we can enjoy our life amidst the mess and the imperfections and let go of all that fear that we’ve been holding on to, we can truly be happy.