[10.29.19] Santa Cruz, CA
Suddenly I felt this tangible sense of loneliness. Only I kind of like that kind of loneliness. There’s a little bit of sadness in it but it’s so real.
I looked at the sky and the ocean waves breaking beneath a slight pink light behind an empty boardwalk and I felt so deeply alive. That crash. The birds flying over me. The pink light reflected upon the sea.
I feel everything. It hurts sometimes but it’s who I am. It’s so real. It’s everything for me.
I’ve gotten used to being on my own, traveling on my own… and most of the time I actually enjoy it. But there’s moments of loneliness, of wishing I had someone to share it all with… As I walked along the nearly desolate beach as it slowly faded into darkness, I felt that. For the first time since leaving home, I felt truly alone.
There are always those moments of wanting to express something so much but at the same time knowing that no one can ever truly understand it. At least not in the way you do. Right there I felt it all. Everything and nothing. And I wanted to cry and smile at the same time.
I’ll never stop putting my feet in the ocean. I’ll never stop smiling shyly when I’m happy. And I’ll never stop getting excited about the silly little things. But I’ll also never stop getting sad. I’m going to feel that too. The melancholy of what we’ve left behind and the quiet terrifying uncertainty of the unknown. The depths of the darkness and the most blissful kind of loneliness… the kind that can’t quite be expressed. The kind that makes us desperately aware that we are in fact alive.
Making Mindful 